The vivacious Lindsay Lohan confronts the camera
with her fluffy, expensive hairdo and writes a love
letter to everything that ‘tweenage girls stand for in
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen,
disregarding the fact that there isn’t a shred of
plausibility in the film’s plot, and simply allowing her
performance to flow. Amusingly, though, everyone living
will be able to identify with the main character in this
collage of perkiness, despite the fact that the style
director Sara Sugarman uses will leave those who aren’t
twelve years old and bearing double X chromosomes
disappointed. Instead of actually dealing with the
issues that the likeable characters face in the various
contrived situations in the movie, as the masterful
The Girl Next Door did, the makers of Confessions
of a Teenage Drama Queen have taken the easy way
out. The audience will not experience any emotion during
its duration. Rather, they will be bombarded with
sketches that come close to music video status and a
ho-hum focus on glitz and glam. Slap me, now, please.
But, as much as I loathe the
way in which Sugarman decided to carry out the flick’s
story, I must be honest and admit to the fact that I
enjoyed most of the pointlessness of the endeavor. It’s
truly unfortunate that, after viewing it, most
moviegoers’ euphoria will be instantly terminated, and
their addiction to the fluffy material will not be
rewarded with repeat viewings of Confessions of a
Teenage Drama Queen. All their extra ticket money
will be able to buy is further withdrawal. Lohan’s
character, Mary, who likes to be referred to as Lola,
embodies a plotline that will only feel fun the first
time. Most theatre patrons will actually want to try as
hard as they possibly can to forget it, once they come
to realizing that it is nothing but a piece of
lackluster filmmaking. As Lola, the drama queen the
title refers to, moves from New York to New Jersey, and
she and a newfound friend lead a mission to see their
favorite band’s farewell concert, the abundance in
excitement is only temporary. A quality movie will
generate good memories, and this is something that
Confessions of a Drama Queen certainly does not do.
I could relate to the social
dynamics Lola experienced in the film, as well as her
avid addictions to various forms of art, and this is
surely what kept me interested in it. In addition to
such, the few hysterical one-liners almost made me buy
into Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen’s
gimmick. But, even with such a strong ambition to raise
the bar for pictures of its kind, I’m still nowhere near
tempted to recommend it to anyone besides its target
demographic. Lindsay Lohan is terrific at sparkling in
barren projects, but, as with the recent Mean Girls,
not even she and her cast members can improve the
dullness of the script. There are some ideas worth
pondering in this outing, but she still seems to be
stuck in a mold of conventionality. Lohan is in need of
another Freaky Friday to save her from being just
another teenage face in the maze of Hollywood, and I
think she knows that. Whether she’ll do something about
such is an entirely different question.
-Danny, Bucket Reviews (7.24.2004)