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Connie and Carla /

Rated: PG-13

Starring: Nia Vardalos, Toni Collette, David Duchovny, Stephen Spinella, Christopher Logan

Directed by: Michael Lembeck

Produced by: Gary Barber, Roger Birnbaum, Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Jonathan Glickman
Written by:
Nia Vardalos
Distributor: Universal Pictures


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[The following is a transcription of a recent writing seminar at a university, which was taught by Nia Vardalos, the writer and star of the independent sensation My Big Fat Greek Wedding and, most recently, Connie and Carla. Her work is considered by most to be inspirational, funny, and heartwarming.]


VARDALOS: Hello, class!

CLASS: (spoken in a sarcastic tone) Hello, Nia!

VARDALOS: Well, what a friendly bunch you all are!

CLASS: (synchronized sarcasm, again) Thank you, Nia!

VARDALOS: You all know me, don’t you!?

CLASS: (several blabber) You were in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

VARDALOS: Thaaaaaaat’s right! I have a big, fat, Greek family, ya’ know?

CLASS: (whimpers) Uyuh.

VARDALOS: We just eat and eat and eat!

CLASS: (whimpers) Uyuh.

VARDALOS: You wanna’ hear more about it?! Lotsa’ really cool stuff?!

CLASS: (whimpers) Uh-uh.

VARDOLOS: Well, fine then, you enthusiastic bunch! (laughs)

CLASS: (forceful giggles throughout the room ensue)

VARDALOS: Let’s talk about my new movie’s writing then. It’s called Connie and Carla!

CLASS: (silent)

VARDALOS: Well d’ya wanna know what it’s about!?

CLASSMATE #1: (speaking sarcastically) Can we guess?

VARDALOS: Sure! Go ahead and try!

CLASSMATE #1: Greeks?


CLASSMATE #2: Fat people?


CLASSMATE #3: Windex?

VARDALOS: Errr…Wrongo!

CLASSMATE #4: Two dinner theatre singing partners who witness a mob shooting in Chicago and the killers see them, so they have to hide out in L.A., the most uncultured place on earth, posing as crossdressing men singing cabaret, when they’re really women in the first place (gasps for breath)…then their show becomes popular and they’re real names are exposed to the public, once again creating the fear that the mob gunmen will come after them?

VARDALOS: Yes! How did you know, you little munchkin!?

CLASSMAATE #4: I read the fucking reviews of the movie ‘cuz I knew you’d be “teaching” us.

VARDALOS: I never look at reviews, so I wouldn’t know! I find them to be too…intelligent and depressing. I like big sounds and dumb people instead and, and, and…

CLASSMATE #5: That movie sounds a little like Some Like it Hot.

VARDALOS: Oh, shoot! You noticed! I kinda’ stole…er…borrowed the concept!

CLASSMATE #5: Why didn’t you just write about Greeks?

VARDALOS: ‘Cuz the studio heads wouldn’t give me the blingbling for that!

CLASSMATE #5: Do you even know what blingbling is?


CLASSMATE #5: Hell no! It’s the ice around the wrists and neck!

VARDALOS: Oh, they don’t have much of that in Greece! Just stinky feet! And lamb!

CLASSMATE #5: Well, is your movie as good as Some Like it Hot, at least?

CLASSMATE #3: Yeah, right!

VARDALOS: That’s riiiiiiightttttt! It’s better! It’s so funny and witty and, and, and…!

CLASSMATE #5: Face it, you can’t do anything but make Greeks seem funny!


CLASSMATE: #2: Shut up.

VARDALOS: No, you shut up.

CLASSMATE #2: Are you kidding me?

VARDALOS: All right! I confess! My movie suuuuuucks and I shouldn’t be here talking to you guys right here, right now ‘cuz I can only write about Greeks and Windex!

CLASSMATE #3: You’re a sellout!

VARDALOS: No, you’re a sellout!

CLASSMATE #3: No, you’re a sellout!

VARDALOS: No, you’re a sellout!

CLASSMATE #3: No, you’re a sellout!

VARDALOS: No, you’re a sellout!

CLASSMATE #3: No, you’re a sellout!

VARDALOS: No, you’re a sellout!


[Out of annoyance, the transcriber of the seminar left the classroom at this time. Whatever happened after this point in time has remained a mystery to all of those who have heard of the event. All anyone knows is that when the “students” left the vicinity of the university, each one was suffering a newfound form of severe mental retardation, most likely inflicted by what appear to be “chaotic attempts at comedy.” It is uncertain whether they will recover or can even be cured. Information will become available upon its discovery.]

-Danny, Bucket Reviews (4.20.2004)

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