With an irresistibly charming and hysterically funny
original, the sequel to the ever popular, blockbuster hit
Legally Blonde had it coming. Red, White, and Blonde
is a stupid, lifeless, and often painful motion picture that
not even the enchantingly scrumptious charisma of Reese
Witherspoon could save. Comedies have the reserved right to be
clueless and over-the-top, but this film is even more stupidly
improbable than a big-budget, action-flick like Charlie’s
Angels: Full Throttle. Improbability is definitely
intentional, but Red, White, and Blonde is so
ridiculous, it becomes difficult to even watch. I have never
walked out of a movie, but this one made me want to. I enjoyed
its predecessor, but this Legally Blonde is more of an
airhead than the atmosphere itself.
Witherspoon’s character, Elle Woods,
and her ‘cute’ little dog Bruiser are back for an obnoxious
sequel, that completely ruins the fun experience that all of
us had when viewing the first Legally Blonde. This
time, Elle is about to marry Emmett Richmond (Luke Wilson),
her romance in the original. She is currently working with a
law firm, and is the ideal employee, both hardworking and
smart. But, Elle’s life takes a drastic turn when she tries to
find the birth mother of Bruiser (yes, that’s right, the
birthmother of her dog). After she runs a search for her, she
finds out that Bruiser’s mother is an animal held in
captivity, who tests cosmetics before they are sold to humans.
In the process of trying to free Bruiser’s mother, Elle is
fired from her law firm, and becomes an animal rights
advocate. How can she make a difference? March on down to
Washington D.C. and try to get a bill passed to make laws
against animal testing for cosmetics because: “The cost of
beauty is much too high.” Legally Blonde is just, just,
well, too blonde for politics. Why couldn’t the writers just
stick to the same type of plot as the original, and have Elle
become a top attorney? Watching Witherspoon defend her clients
in court like a klutzy, but successful lawyer is much more
interesting than seeing her prance around Capitol Hill in
Barbie clothes, trying to pass an animal rights bill. Viewing
Red, White, and Blonde, I didn’t laugh a single time.
When a script can ruin the
irresistible charm of Witherspoon, it’s bad; really, really,
bad. She’s always amusingly funny in everything, right? Wrong.
Witherspoon is hardly even watchable in Red, White, and
Blonde, and we feel embarrassed for her. I wanted the
projectionist to purposely screw the film reels up, just so
the audience wouldn’t have to see her struggle through her
stupid lines, which are so godawfully and unashamedly
ambitious, we usually can’t even stand listening to them. Eve
Ahlert, Dennis Drake, Kate Kondell, and Amanda Brown, who
penned the script for this one, should’ve taken some writing
courses in handling comedy before doing so. Ahlert and Drake
also wrote Down With Love, and exercised a lot more
spunk there than they do here. The only appropriate question
to ask is, well—what the hell happened?
A sequel that is not only bad, but
destroys the gleeful presence of its predecessor is one of the
worst things that can happen to a franchise. I had high hopes
for Red, White, and Blonde, but I came out of it, with
giant regrets. I was extremely relieved when the credits began
to roll; this movie is so terrible, we often feel sorry for
it. Witherspoon deserves a whole lot better, and should start
reading through the scripts she chooses more carefully. Summer
is full of tremendous movies, but this is definitely not one
of them. Watching Red, White, and Blonde is like being
tortured for an hour and thirty-five minutes, by needles,
bamboo, whatever. The next time I see another commercial,
featuring the now recycled and bland Elle Woods, I will puke,
seriously. When it comes time to see Legally Blonde 3,
I will flee from the country. That is, unless, the premise
looks worthy of my time. More liberal Legally Blonde
politics is definitely not a good concept for the next movie
in the franchise. Red, White, and Blonde, however, is
dreadful, just dreadful.
-Danny,
Bucket Reviews