I’m
not sure what’s worse—being gravely disappointed by a movie or
suffering through one that you knew was going to be bad walking into
it. To be honest, I’d have rather seen the torturous My Boss’s
Daughter a second time, than experience Secondhand Lions
for the first. I had high hopes for this movie; the cast is great and
the studio behind it is even better. To my displeasure, Secondhand
Lions is a conventionally unsettling piece of work that will only
satisfy the very youngest of audiences. If the names Caine, Duvall,
and Osment weren’t a part of the credits, it would’ve been released
directly to home video. Ironically, it’ll come across as a better,
funnier, and livelier motion picture in that format. Secondhand
Lions is only for those who fall into the target audience. Anyone
else will leave the theatre, feeling more than just a little let down.
Haley Joel Osment plays Walter—a nerdy
little kid, who doesn’t know how to smile—left to live with his
great-uncles for the summer by his mother, Mae (Kyra Sedgwick). Mae is
an irresponsible tramp, who claims to be going to court reporting
school for the season that she spends away from her son, while she is
really headed off to pick up another boyfriend in Las Vegas.
Walter’s two great-uncles Hub and Garth
(Robert Duvall and Michael Caine) supposedly have millions of dollars
stashed away, which they obtained when they were living in various
foreign countries for nearly forty years. No one knows how they struck
it rich, however; everything could be completely made up, as untrue as
a fairytale. They don’t act like millionaires; between shooting at
every salesman’s car that passes by and hunting for their every meal,
Hub and Garth appear to be your average old hillbillies. As the summer
progresses, Walter learns more about the two men, and they teach him
several life-lessons. Secondhand Lions is certainly a cinematic
journey, but it’s an unexciting one. The plot is dull and contrived;
the audience never feels exhilarated. This is just one of the
countless films, released this year, that’ll only be worth watching
when it comes onto cable TV.
Much of the reason why Secondhand Lions
is usually unsuccessful in engaging the audience is because of the
pitiful storytelling abilities of director Tim McCanlies. The way he
utilizes flashbacks, to show us the past adventures of Hub and Garth,
is utterly despicable. While the contents of these flashbacks aren’t
interesting in the first place, their context is completely
nightmarish. The violent change in tone is a total disruption to the
movie, and ruins much of the sugar-coated sweetness of the following
scenes.
The performances are good, but make no
mistake, nearly everyone in this movie is miscast. Caine does what he
can with his role, but his image is the exact opposite of the one that
his character was intended to have. Duvall is subtle, but never
effective, mostly because of the ghastly dialogue that his character
has. Osment’s work is spectacular, considering the fact that he’s
playing a character five years younger than he is. Walter’s not
exactly the most pleasurable character to watch, but the fifteen-year-old’s
performance is stimulating enough to keep us interested. Kyra Sedgwick
is about the only one that fits her role perfectly, but her acting
leaves much to be desired. Why so many fabulous talents chose such a
dopey and disposable movie to star in is beyond me.
All in all, Secondhand Lions will be
worth watching when HBO begins to air it regularly in a year or two,
but it certainly couldn’t be called passable entertainment. We’ve seen
the same concept, portrayed superiorly to Secondhand Lions, in
other family films. Do yourself a favor—skip this one for now—see
Freaky Friday, instead.
-Danny, Bucket
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