Deep inside of me, there is something that would
really like to kill SpongeBob SquarePants. Make no
mistake, I don’t think he’s a bad guy…err, sponge. But,
between his “I love life even though I’m just a
super-absorbent piece of matter in the sea!” attitude
and his proud little walk, I think that I would be
better off never seeing or hearing of him again. In fact,
there is a scene in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie
in which he and his friend, a starfish by the name of
Patrick, nearly burn to death. I must say, I enjoyed
watching it. However, in an attempt to receive minimal
hate-mail from fans of the show, I don’t think I’ll wish
any particular ill on SpongeBob, in this review.
Even with my hatred for
SpongeBob, though, I would be lying if I said that I
didn’t occasionally enjoy his Nickelodeon-broadcast
television show. I have never been a regular viewer of
“SpongeBob Squarepants”, but it does make for quite
ballsy programming, referencing pop-culture with the
utmost amount of wit and satirizing just about
everything else under the sun. Unsurprisingly, such
sizzle has provided it with a huge fan-base, landing the
title character’s line of merchandise with a profit of
1.5 billion dollars, last year. Even if SpongeBob could
very well be the antichrist, that isn’t to say that the
undersea world he lives in is not a colorfully enjoyable
one.
The SpongeBob SquarePants
Movie has come to capitalize on the success of the
TV show, and, unfortunately, was sloppily put together,
in almost every aspect. There is not a brain in the
motion picture’s body; the only real allusions it ever
comically makes are, peculiarly, to Greek Mythology. Not
to mention, most all of its humor is borrowed from other
sources; I was constantly reminded of the much funnier
Ben Stiller satire Zoolander while watching
The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie. This adventure of
SpongeBob’s could barely pass on television, let alone
at the cinema.
The basic plot of the motion
picture is very similar to countless episodes of the
show. Plankton (voiced by Doug “Mr.” Lawrence), leader
of the Chum Bucket Restaurant, which has never served a
single customer, wants to find the Secret Formula of the
Krabby Patty, the token hamburger of the rivaling fast
food joint where SpongeBob (voiced by Tom Kenny) works
at, called the Krusty Krab. Instituting “Plan Z”, he
steals the crown of King Neptune (Jeffrey Tambor),
framing the owner of the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs (Clancy
Brown), for its burglary and sale to a citizen of a
dangerous, faraway land. Mr. Krabs will be executed
unless his favorite fry-cook SpongeBob, with the help of
Patrick (voiced by Bill Fagerbakke), can retrieve the
crown in six days. Meanwhile, Plankton capitalizes on
the turmoil that this causes the business, steals the
Secret Formula, and directs Krusty Krab customers over
to the Chum Bucket and brainwashes them.
The movie never comes to a
point in which it becomes painful to endure, but it
certainly isn’t entertaining, either. My viewing
experience of The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie was
similar to that of DreamWorks’ recent underwater
adventure, Shark Tale; while sometimes mildly
amusing, I never became so immersed in it that I forgot
that I was watching a movie. I have a hard time
believing that any adult will have a fun time enjoying
it with their child, and they need not try to. Not only
is it lacking in quality, but is also inappropriate for
younger viewers. I found much of its content to rather
perverse, especially a scene in which Patrick dresses in
fishnet stockings and stiletto heels. But, fans will be
fans, and there’ll be no stopping them from flocking to
The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie from now until
January. As for me, I’ll be waiting for the day that
Plankton actually succeeds in a plot to rip everyone’s
favorite little sponge into pieces and light him on
fire, in the name of smart humor. Now that would
make for a worthy movie.
-Danny, Bucket Reviews (11.20.2004)