Every time I review a movie of this sort, I feel
like I’m conducting a seminar for underprivileged,
aspiring filmmakers, who know nothing about how to write
and direct a motion picture. And it’s a lesson I’ve
taught about a million times. So, we start with the
basics: (1) You’ve gotta be witty, (2) You’ve gotta be
smart, (3) You’ve gotta be subtle, and so on and so
forth. But, instead of merely instructing, I feel like
I’m correcting, as if I’m some kind of jailhouse-mentor
for those who have made nasty, messy movies. If I could
actually run a prison, which would punish
writer/directors for their attempts at fame, you could
bet that Danny Leiner would be in it. He’d have to eat a
helluva lot of White Castle burgers before his sentence
ended, too.
I’m one of the elite few who
actually appreciated whatever comedic value Leiner’s
previous effort, Dude, Where’s My Car?, held. But
that project carried a less-offensive PG-13 rating, and
was easily likeable. Right when critics begin to like
the guy, though, I seem to be instantly turned off by
his work. The sloppiness of Harold and Kumar Go to
White Castle is enough to destroy the joyous
experiences I had watching Dude, twenty-something
times. It’s great that a Korean and an Indian can star
in a movie, together, as the press-community has been
saying, but for what? Stupid material about two
stoner-friends who are hungry and decide to seek out a
White Castle Burger at night? A duo that ends up having
an overlong adventure through New Jersey, as penises and
assholes are confronted along the way? I’d call
Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle an insult
against Asians before I’d call it a breakthrough for
them. The same goes for the burger chain that its title
bears the name of.
Little of my hatred for this
flick is actually derived from its discussion topics,
graphic scenes, and morally questionable intentions. I
can laugh at some pretty disgusting crap, as long as
it’s presented on a silver platter. But, here, such
material is wedged in between two soggy buns in the
shape of a manufactured square. And, believe me when I
say you’d have to be a lot more stoned than the main
characters to confuse that for a shiny plate. In
less metaphorical terms, I didn’t laugh at
Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. The gross-out
gags simply serve as cheap-shots at the human anatomy,
not quirky bits of hilarity. Everyone seems to be
comparing this to American Pie, which makes me
appreciate the 1999 work a lot more. It, at least, had
some sense, and knew how to cross “the line” pleasantly.
Pie crafted a chain of events that were all in
good fun, whereas Harold and Kumar’s adventures lead a
seemingly mean-spirited duration. Intentions are
everything in contemporary comedy, and those of this
movie are undeniably false.
John Cho, who plays Harold, is
perhaps the only redeeming feature in the film. He’s
quite a natural performer, and plays with the typical
Asian stereotypes in his mannerisms, generating half of
the two laughs in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.
The other one occurs during a fake commercial, in which
a kid dopily blasts his brains out after using
marijuana. His co-star, Kal Penn, is warm and likeable
in his role, but all such a cover does is mask many of
the putrid “jokes” that he has to deliver. I sympathize
for both actors; while neither of them is especially
great in this picture, being contractually stuck in the
mold of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle would
be unbearable, for me.
If I have to see another
atrocious teen-comedy this year, insane sourness should
be expected in my writing. If you come across the urge
to buy a ticket for Harold and Kumar Go to White
Castle this weekend, just remind yourself that the
best picture of the year so far, a smart, gutsy movie
about teenage life, called The Girl Next Door,
comes out on DVD in three weeks. What can you do until
August 24th comes along? Almost anything,
twiddling your thumbs included, would probably be better
than sitting through this slimy, lukewarm piece of crap.
-Danny, Bucket Reviews (7.31.2004)
