The following is a fictional account of Rob Schneider’s disparity to be well-reviewed by critics:

Mr. Roger Ebert:

     Hello, my name is Rob Schneider. You’ve seen me in previous movies that you’ve called stupid and ignorant, and I respect your criticism. But, I do have a new film coming out, and as you could guess, it’s a comedy. It is called The Hot Chick. I know that you are the biggest critic on the planet, and I would love to receive a positive review from you. You’ve noted how much you’ve admired my career on Saturday Night Live on several occasions, and you need to honor such by giving The Hot Chick three stars out of four, or higher, if you think it’s even a tad funny. Since I am aware that this will get bad reviews, I would die for good criticism for you. (Expect a handsome paycheck in the mail, perhaps?) If and when you decide to grade my (hilarious) flick rightly (positively), and not let your ego get in the way—people will learn to respect the crappy-humor genre. After all, don’t you think it’s funny that I’ve actually attempted to make a movie about a snobby teenage girl, who’s been turned into an ugly, forty-something, thief of a man by a pair of cursed earrings? I will stay tuned for your commentary on The Hot Chick and a reply to my letter.

Best regards,
Rob Schneider

* * * 

Mr. Rob Schneider:

     If you want a good review, make a good movie. Not to say that pay isn’t welcome, The Hot Chick is just too dreadful to recommend. But, for your mental sake, I have not rated it zero stars out of four. I’ve kindly blessed you with a well deserved half star. But, enough about you, let’s talk about me.

     Over the years, you’ve tortured me with your dastardly pieces of shit. I will pay you to stop, even though the sum that I can reward you with, is not nearly anywhere near the giant amounts you will make selling your stupid and godawful works to teenage minds.

Signing out; and noting how much I want to destroy your movie career,
Roger Ebert

* * *

     Maybe Ebert gave good ‘ol Robby a half a star, but I’m giving him zero. The Hot Chick made me laugh twice, very briefly. This means I, roughly, enjoyed about twenty seconds out of an hour and forty-four minute movie. The rest of the duration was comprised of pure agony. Torturous enough? Hardly. This one is so bad, I could hardly believe it was released to mainstream audiences in actual movie theatres. On top of it all, it should be R-rated. The excessive amounts of potty humor, and endless shots of the tops of Rob Schneider’s hairy legs only make it worse. The Hot Chick is a “comedy” that never deserved to be made; plain and simple. I rest my case.

-Danny, Bucket Reviews