I am devastatingly sad, as well as profusely mad that the first official 2003 release that I have seen, might be the worst. Kangaroo Jack is not only an exercise in stupidity, unintelligence, crudeness, and gross antics, but a sexually driven attempt to drive young children insane. It sounds silly that a movie about a kangaroo that steals an envelope full of money could be so obscene, but I really do believe that this should be “PG-13” rated. After a man grabs a wild-life lover’s breasts, takes a bath with her in the Australian hot-springs, and talks about masturbation over one-hundred times, I shudder to think what is going on in little children’s heads. Jerry Bruckheimer films are always wretchedly terrible, but Kangaroo Jack was one of the most unintentionally petrifying experiences that I’ve had at the cinema in years. The half-a-bucket that the film does actually earn is rightfully deserved. Unlike Federal Protection, Kangaroo Jack actually attempts to try to make a complete flick. This almost seems to make it even more horrid. I hope, for this film’s sake, that a worse movie comes along in the next year. Even though this seems like it would be cinematically impossible, if this movie ever is released, I will most likely die before walking out of the theatre. I almost went into a coma after having the displeasure of viewing Kangaroo Jack.

     To accompany this uniquely terrible disaster, comes its bad acting, production, direction, and special effects. Jerry O’Connell, who was once a charming performer, loses whatever respect I may have had for him previous to the release of this movie. He used to use his excellent facial expressions to better each of his roles, but in Kangaroo Jack they are stupid, vile, and often even embarrassing. His character leaves us so incredibly uncomfortable, we aren’t even cheering for him. We look at him as a maniac with an unusually abnormal sexual appetite. Anthony Anderson’s talents are useless with his terribly written and clichéd character. I have never seen such a racist personality in a children’s film, but “Louis Fucci” is very accepting of this title. He plays the typical black man, who jokes around about how cocky, unintelligent, and unappealing Caucasians are. I began to agree with him after seeing all of the dorky white characters in Kangaroo Jack though, and not many other people wouldn’t. Another terrible effort comes from Estella Warren, who is everything but sexy in this film. She has no chemistry with Jerry O’Connell, whatsoever, even though charisma isn’t something that should be proposed in a film intended for five year-olds. Kangaroo Jack can’t even be saved by the star of the show, Kangaroo Jack, himself. This marsupial lacks the undeniable charm that “Scooby Doo” had in his self-titled movie. Mix these wretched aspects of the film with some terrible editing, hazy sound, and choppy special effects, and you have your self the perfect recipe for failure and disaster. Kangaroo Jack has too much of both of these things to even be called humane.

     This is an obnoxiously overbearing comedy about a dimwittedly stupid bunch of characters that live in the most superficial of worlds. I am not sure why such a great mass of talents lended their excellence to such an inane film, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, the worst filmmaker ever. This is just a giant mess of absolutely no substance, full of stupid, unfunny antics that make viewers literally cringe. I hate all of the performances, ways of staging, and ugly pieces of comedy. The worst part of this film is its unbearable script, with no life or color. As each fart joke passes, and cheap laughs are exchanged between simple-minded viewers, no one in the audience feels any remote sense of charm. Every move that this film makes, and every word said by any character is outwitted in some way. It’s almost enjoyable to warn readers of the extremity of this film’s horridness. Two more hours of this cinematic atrocity -- and I would’ve put a bullet through my head. This will probably turn out to be the worst movie of 2003; it is definitely one of the most horrible of all time. I was seriously frightened by it. Spare yourself from staying up with the kids, of night after night of bad dreams. Kangaroo Jack is, literally, scary.

-Danny, Bucket Reviews