With an irresistibly charming and hysterically funny original, the sequel to the ever popular, blockbuster hit Legally Blonde had it coming. Red, White, and Blonde is a stupid, lifeless, and often painful motion picture that not even the enchantingly scrumptious charisma of Reese Witherspoon could save. Comedies have the reserved right to be clueless and over-the-top, but this film is even more stupidly improbable than a big-budget, action-flick like Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. Improbability is definitely intentional, but Red, White, and Blonde is so ridiculous, it becomes difficult to even watch. I have never walked out of a movie, but this one made me want to. I enjoyed its predecessor, but this Legally Blonde is more of an airhead than the atmosphere itself.

     Witherspoon’s character, Elle Woods, and her ‘cute’ little dog Bruiser are back for an obnoxious sequel, that completely ruins the fun experience that all of us had when viewing the first Legally Blonde. This time, Elle is about to marry Emmett Richmond (Luke Wilson), her romance in the original. She is currently working with a law firm, and is the ideal employee, both hardworking and smart. But, Elle’s life takes a drastic turn when she tries to find the birth mother of Bruiser (yes, that’s right, the birthmother of her dog). After she runs a search for her, she finds out that Bruiser’s mother is an animal held in captivity, who tests cosmetics before they are sold to humans. In the process of trying to free Bruiser’s mother, Elle is fired from her law firm, and becomes an animal rights advocate. How can she make a difference? March on down to Washington D.C. and try to get a bill passed to make laws against animal testing for cosmetics because: “The cost of beauty is much too high.” Legally Blonde is just, just, well, too blonde for politics. Why couldn’t the writers just stick to the same type of plot as the original, and have Elle become a top attorney? Watching Witherspoon defend her clients in court like a klutzy, but successful lawyer is much more interesting than seeing her prance around Capitol Hill in Barbie clothes, trying to pass an animal rights bill. Viewing Red, White, and Blonde, I didn’t laugh a single time.

     When a script can ruin the irresistible charm of Witherspoon, it’s bad; really, really, bad. She’s always amusingly funny in everything, right? Wrong. Witherspoon is hardly even watchable in Red, White, and Blonde, and we feel embarrassed for her. I wanted the projectionist to purposely screw the film reels up, just so the audience wouldn’t have to see her struggle through her stupid lines, which are so godawfully and unashamedly ambitious, we usually can’t even stand listening to them. Eve Ahlert, Dennis Drake, Kate Kondell, and Amanda Brown, who penned the script for this one, should’ve taken some writing courses in handling comedy before doing so. Ahlert and Drake also wrote Down With Love, and exercised a lot more spunk there than they do here. The only appropriate question to ask is, well—what the hell happened?

     A sequel that is not only bad, but destroys the gleeful presence of its predecessor is one of the worst things that can happen to a franchise. I had high hopes for Red, White, and Blonde, but I came out of it, with giant regrets. I was extremely relieved when the credits began to roll; this movie is so terrible, we often feel sorry for it. Witherspoon deserves a whole lot better, and should start reading through the scripts she chooses more carefully. Summer is full of tremendous movies, but this is definitely not one of them. Watching Red, White, and Blonde is like being tortured for an hour and thirty-five minutes, by needles, bamboo, whatever. The next time I see another commercial, featuring the now recycled and bland Elle Woods, I will puke, seriously. When it comes time to see Legally Blonde 3, I will flee from the country. That is, unless, the premise looks worthy of my time. More liberal Legally Blonde politics is definitely not a good concept for the next movie in the franchise. Red, White, and Blonde, however, is dreadful, just dreadful.

-Danny, Bucket Reviews