CASE FILE:

(SUBJECT: ELECTRONIC VOICE PHENOMENON. SUB-SECTION: WHITE NOISE—THE MOTION PICTURE.):

BACKGROUND: Danny Baldwin, the beloved and ever-popular film critic for BucketReviews.com, died for unknown reasons on January 9, 2004, after attending a screening of White Noise at the AMC Wiegand Plaza 8 Cinemas. Scars on the face were found during an autopsy, but Baldwin’s mother insisted that they were not from any type of injuries sustained at the time of death. She claimed that they were results of her constant squeezing of his many pimples and blackheads. The star of White Noise, Michael Keaton, had wanted to read Baldwin’s take on the motion picture ever since it was completed and, as a result, he felt compelled to determine the cause of the fifteen-year-old’s death. Keaton decided that Electronic Voice Phenomenon, more commonly known as EVP or White Noise, which his character in the fictional film used to communicate with his deceased wife, would be the easiest way to come to a conclusion about the death of one of film criticism’s greats. Keaton bought a handy White Noise System for only $4,999.99 at the Local Wal Mart and got cracking once he had it set-up by a trained professional. The following is a transcription of an EVP recording that was captured at 2:51:54 PM (PST) on that system on January 26, 2005 in Keaton’s home.

KEATON [into White Noise System]: Hello, is anyone there?

WHITE NOISE: Gurglecrackfizzfizz.

K: Who are you!? What did you do with Danny!?

WN: Gurglecrackfizzfizz.

K: I must find Daniel Spencer Baldwin! I need to know why he died!

DEAD MAN [Not Speaking to Keaton]: Danny, someone named Michael Keaton is on the White Noise Machine for you!

K: Danny, are you there!?

DANNY [through muffled White Noise]: Yes, I am here. I am dead. I am White Noise. I am fuzzy. I cannot be easily made out by humans. I am scary. I will kill you.

K: Danny, this is Michael Keaton. I just want to talk to you.

DANNY: I may talk to you and I may not. I can do whatever I want. I am scary. I am dead.

K: Now, listen here, you. Just tell me how you died and how you liked my movie and I’ll be out of your way. Ignoring me is not necessary.

D: I don’t know how to put this nicely, so I will be mean. Just like all dead people should be.

K: Uh-oh. What do you want to say to me that is mean?

D: Well, your movie is what killed me.

K: Okay, I can deal with you not liking it, but cut it with the figurative language, buddy.

D: I’m being literal and honest. It killed me. After the screening was over, I went into the movie theatre bathroom, and passed on, never to return to the planet Earth again, simply because of White Noise’s awfulness.

K: Seriously? So, I’m assuming you gave it zero buckets, unfortunately for me?

D: No, I’ll give you a break. It earns one; its slow pacing was a nice thing to see in a mainstream movie. Then again, it did make the already agonizingly boring material seem even more insufferable.

K: Well, a lot of people were scared by the trailer, so, they will probably be scared by the movie, too.

D: Not me. I thought the trailer was shsacray and I haeeeeeeated ze mooovveee.

K: What was that? I’m picking up too little static on my White Noise Machine to hear you. Damn thing!

D: Adjoost the dieeeal.

K: What was that? Did you mean to say: “Are you for real?” Of course I’m for real. I’m Michael Keaton and White Noise marked my first big role in like…a bazillion years. Other than that Katie Holmes flick that bombed where I played The President. I was a good president. And Katie Holmes was a good daughter too. Have you seen it?

D: Neaaaaoooooooo.

K: Huh? “Neo?” Speak clearer. I can’t hear you. Did you say “Neo-Con?” In that case, no, the president I played was not a “Neo-Con.”

D: Ajooce the deeyaal. Ajooce the deeyaal. Ajooce the deeyaal.

K: Oh! There you are! So, what did you say, after all? All I needed was to adjust the little dial on the left, here. It upped the amount of static. You are now coming in clear as a glass water! Golly, this thing is so cool!

D: Nothing. I didn’t say anything. I just want to reiterate that this film you starred in was responsible for my recent demise…and that you need to get a statickier White Noise Machine. Try Best Buy. I think they’re on sale, there.

K: All I need to do is finish this conversation with you. No more EVP for me, after that. This is way too creepy. Now that you’ve stated the cause for your death and I can gratefully tell your parents that I basically killed you, can you please make some suggestions for White Noise so that Geoffrey Sax, the director of the film, can more easily make an Unrated (“SCARIER!”) Cut, come time for its DVD release.

D: “SCARIER” cut!? Are you joking me? The movie will never be scary. The material is pathetic and the climax involves three ghost-like shadows and the terror that they inflict via White Noise. How could that ever make for a scary movie?

K: Alright; I get it. You can go to hell because my movie was kick-ass, wet-your-pants frightening. Or, wait, are you already there? Hey, where is White Noise Central, anyway? I’ve spent many sleepless nights contemplating that.

D: Oh, you’ll find out. You’ll find out right now.

INVESTIGATION: Keaton’s body was found at 4:04:47 PM (PST) on January 26. 2004, seemingly unharmed, but free of life. He was pronounced dead later that day. The case seemed strikingly similar to that of Danny Baldwin. Further investigations of Electric Voice Phenomenon will ensue. The likely-upcoming film, Gray Noise, will tell us more about the horrible effects of misusing EVP and the spiritual encounters it may provoke.

-Danny, Bucket Reviews (Posted in 12.28.2004-2.5.2005 Update)

Back to Home
The Bucket Review's Rating Scale