Review: Scary Movie 3

Rated PG-13 | 90 mins

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My fellow moviegoers:

My name is Danny Baldwin and I am on a mission to burn Mr. David Zucker at the stake. Not once, but twice, this year has this evil monster created two dismally painful pieces of crap, just to torture us. He has brutally beaten our backs and slapped our faces, vomited on our pants and smacked our asses. He is a failure; a filmmaker that is employed by production companies only because of the goodness he brought us all through a little movie called Airplane!. But one great film isn’t enough to make up for all the train-wrecks that desensitized us, later in time. Scary Movie 3 has provoked me to lead a movement for change. It is a disgrace to everyone on the planet, with a single cell in their brain. Die Mr. Zucker, die.

Now you’ve probably seen the trailer for Scary Movie 3 by now, and yes, it is quite good. I was sure that this flick would be funny and interesting after viewing the promotional clips and such. I laughed endlessly at these advertisements. Sadly, all of the laughs that they contain are despicable and tasteless, when put into the context of this movie. I laughed only twice when experiencing this third installment in the Scary Movie series; it is a collage of missed opportunities and disgusting humor.

There were three things which made the first two installments in this franchise good. Sure, the tremendous Anna Faris is still around and better than ever, but her work cannot save the nightmarish script or ugly technicalities. What’s even more disappointing is that this movie is PG-13, so all of the raunchy laughs that made the Scary Movie and its first sequel are absent. And the ingenious Wayan’s brothers, who molded the first two movies, decided to pass on this one, which was very smart on their parts, indeed.

The majority of the members of the cast of Scary Movie 3 have obviously not studied the characters that they're mocking in this movie. Each "actor" simply walks through the script, and doesn't take the time to mimic the mannerisms, speech, and actions of the their subject. I'm incredibly sorry to say that, next to Faris, Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy give the best performances of the entire film.

Make an effort to avoid this film and join me in my battle against Mr. Zucker. Together, we will be able to take a stand, and stop him from making any more terrible films of this nature. A Scary Movie 4 will be coming next year, let’s just hope that there won’t be a fifth.

Thank you. That is all.

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